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Birth Stories
 The birth of Jasmine - 2 August 2007
My birth story...
When I found out I was pregnant with my second daughter I asked someone I knew - who worked as a doula - what the best birth care was that I could get. She told me that independent midwives were the 'Rolls Royce of maternity care' and that Anja was the best she knew. So that was that!
One of the things that was really important to me was to talk through some issues I had about my first birth (planned to go to the birth centre, but ended up being induced with an epidural in hospital and having a retained placenta). Anja was very sympathetic to my need to talk about it and my desire to prove what I knew - that I could give birth at home, in my own time, without intervention or pain relief. The ante natal appointments were wonderful. I really felt like I was able to discuss anything that was concerning me and that Anja genuinely cared about my happiness and wellbeing. What was also really important to me was that my family's feelings and needs were taken into consideration and I know that my partner (Robin) felt like he was very much more a part of the whole process.
In the run up to the birth I felt like we really prepared the way for our baby to arrive. Anja always took time to help me and Rob work through any doubts, worries or issues we had - including talking through my descision not to wean my daughter, Willow, and how it would work. For me it was particularly healing because I had some old baggage about my birth family and my feellings about being a mother that I had never felt it was ok to discuss during my first pregnancy. Being able to bring the whole of me into the preparations was such a catharsis.
On the morning of the day I went into labour I was in a very optimistic, happy mood. I had been leaking some fluid which I thought was amniotic - the same as I had done with my first birth. I set off to my yoga class feeling sure it was the last time I'd be going for a while. It was a blissful, warm day and on my way to yoga I saw a fox running down our road, which, for some reason, I took as a special good omen. I had an appointment with Anja that morning and told her that I was feeling a bit twingey. I don't remember much of the appoinment, but that afternoon I went to bed for a nap feeling a bit grizzly and grumpy. When I woke up I was having a contraction. I went downstairs and pottered around but was still grumpy. I told my partner and mother in law that I was having contractions a little while later, but that they weren't very intense and we had our family evening as usual. I put my Willow to bed a bit later and breastfed her to sleep, enjoying what I felt sure was her last night of being an only child. I was having fairly mild contractions but enjoyed the physical warmth and closeness of breastfeeding without it intesifying them.
Rob and I went to bed fairly early, after pottering around in our kitchen, where we'd set up the birth pool, knowing we had to get as much sleep as possible. I woke at about 2.30, realising that I'd been moaning in my sleep and that my contractions had intensified a bit. I was sleeping between Willow and Robin and and didn't want to wake them so I got up and went downstairs to the kitchen. All the lights were turned down very low and I stood, leaning against the counter top, swaying my hips and munching on toast with peanut butter, honey and banana, which I thought would give me the best long range energy, as I was pretty sure I was going to need it, as my first birth had been pretty long. It was nice to spend some quiet time in my birth room and I really enjoyed the peacefulness, knowing it would be the last time I was alone for a while.
I went back to bed at about 4.30 and managed to go back to sleep until 6.30ish when Willow woke up. I breastfed Willow and then got up and started wandering the house. By 8.30 I the contractions had intensified quite a bit and while I hung on to the bannisters of the staircase and moaned, Rob called Anja to let her know. We carried on pacing round the house till 12.30ish. Anja said she'd been waiting for our call and came over straight away.
The rest of the story is a bit more vague because I was a) deep into birth-mind and b) I'm finishing writing this some time later, but I will try and convey as much as I can.
When Anja came over she was friendly and light-hearted, which was lovely. She didn't approach me as if I was in pain, suffering or doing anything other than just fine, which helped me to feel that way. We decided that it would be best for Robin to take Willow out to the park so that she could relax, play and rest (as I usually still nursed her to sleep and she would sleep in the buggy) and so that I could concentrate on labouring. I remember just being in the kitchen, leaning over the worktops ( where Anja had put a pillow for me to rest on), and then feeling tired and needing to rest my legs. Anja made a big pile of pillows on the spare bed (because I didn't want to climb up to the top floor where my bed was) and I lay over them in the dark for a while until I got pins and needles in my legs. Anja gave me a lovely leg massage to help with that. After a while Anja asked me if I wanted to get in the pool and I was delighted! It was soooo good to get in, the warmth was very comforting. It was like getting into bed.
I don't remember how long it was but Rob called and Anja said that it might not be long and perhaps he should come back. Willow wouldn't (couldn't) sleep and was quite upset, so my mother-in-law, Louise, (who had been at home the whole time, gently and attentively taking care of our needs) went out to take over. Rob got home about 3ish and came through the door looking a curious mixture between wretched and intensely relieved. I burst into tears as I saw him and we had a lovely hug over the side of the pool. The next bits a bit vague but at about 5ish Louise called to say could she bring Willow home for tea. I really felt like I wanted to see Willow and was pleased that they were going to come home. When they got home Willow got into the pool with me and played for a while. She helped to pour water over my back and chattered. I wasn't really able to give her my attention because I was trying to not let my contractions show too much because I didn't want to worry her. After a while she got out, but it was so lovely to have had my first baby with me for a while. I had really missed her while everything was going on and I felt like both of us were reassured by being together for a while.
Rob was in the pool too, but neither of us can now remember when he got in, or if Willow was in too, but after a while Anja suggested getting out as my labour wasn't progressing very fast. I think the pool had relaxed me and I needed to get myself going again. All this time Anja was encouraging me gently and never fussing over me. She allowed me lots of space and time to do things how I wanted and occasionally gave suggestions for things I could try if I wanted. She also made sure I drank juice and had honey to keep my energy levels up. I started to wonder when (if ever) the baby was going to come and I asked Anja to give me an examination to tell me where I was at (the only one she gave me, and then only at my request). I felt a bit disheartened when she said 7 cm, because I'd really hoped I was nearly there, but it gave me a sense of how far I had to go and helped me mentally plan to be at it a bit longer than I had first thought and thus draw extra energy.
One of the things which I treasure the most about this birth was the freedom I felt I had to do things my way and to approach the experience holistically. As a physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual experience. I had been reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth as well as some great book Anja lent me and felt like I wanted to try out some of the things I'd read about. So, all the time I was experimenting with vocal sounds - making some pretty odd noises. I also felt it was important to express any doubts I was having, so that they didn't linger and Anja talked through them with me each time, without ever acting on them with her own doubt (as my experience had been in hospital). Calmly she reassured me that I was doing well and that everything would be fine. Another thing that I felt free to do was to be intimate with Robin. After getting out of the pool we spent some time slow-dancing around the kitchen, having the most amazing deep kisses and gazing into each other's eyes. As I looked into Rob's eyes I told him I loved him and burst into tears again. It was the most extraordinary feeling. It was so intense and full. But impossible to name. Anja discretely melted away as we were having our close time.
Time began to have very little meaning and so my memories are a bit jumbled, but I remember standing in the downstairs toilet with one foot up on the loo, wiggling my hips around and saying 'come on baby, come on baby, you can come now baby' over and over. I could see myself in the mirror and it was very surreal. I remember getting another massage from Anja too. Eventually Anja suggested getting back in the pool, and again it was sublime. Some time later I had a contraction that was pretty strong and I was bit 'grunty' at the end and Anja said, 'Ooh, I think that was a bit of a push.' It was weird because I didn't feel very 'pushy', perhaps because I had been induced and under epidural first time round, I kind of thought I didn't know what to do. Anja suggested that I try pushing next time I felt 'pushy', which wasn't for a couple of contractions. The gap between 'pushy' contractions only increased the feeling I was playing at pushing, or acting, and that I wasn't really getting into the home straights. Eventually, though, it became apparent that I really was because there was nothing I could do but push, but it still felt like a bit like someone else doing it to me. Perhaps because my body was taking control. I was still in the birth pool, hanging over the side, facing Rob, so that Anja could monitor the baby's heartbeat. I was holding onto Rob's thumbs like a pair of joysticks and every time a contraction came I would pull myself towards him, with my face right in his. For quite a while - possibly a few hours - I had been so deep in birthing mode that I was keeping my eyes shut, only flickering them open to see Rob or Anja's face and then closing them. I felt completely able to trust them to lead me around and take care of me. As I pulled myself up to Rob's face I would look at him and the connection would give me strength. It was only after, however, that we saw poor Rob's thumbs had turned a sort of wine colour. I'd squeezed them so hard that I'd pushed the blood through the skin. He says it didn't hurt at all and he wore them very proudly, like a badge of honour (I think he missed them when they were gone). Anja had said to me at some point that my voice was a bit high and to deepen my tone so I experimented with noises, eventually ending up with a very deep growl. Willow and Louise were upstairs listening to nursery rhymes at this point, but they could hear me too. To this day I can still make Louise giggle by growling at her.
I can remember getting to a point where I was wishing it could all be over without me having to push any more and Anja said to really give it some welly, so I did. I can remember feeling an intense pressure followed by a big pop and saying, 'that was my waters goingggggggggggggggg,' as a giant contraction started to bring the baby down. The head began to crown and I was thinking, 'oh dear. There's no backing out now.' As the baby's head came out I can remember shouting 'Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God!' I had another couple of contractions and Anja told me to stand up. I said 'I don't think I can' and Anja (for the first time being very assertive) said 'yes you can'. So I did. The next thing I know is the baby shooting out of me in the most relieving and satisfying way. Phew! The time was 8.23.
Anja passed the baby between my legs for me to hold, which was quite hard because the cord was so short. It was then we saw that we had a girl! After a while Anja asked me to get out of the pool. I was quite amazed that I was able to move, let alone climb out of a birth pool. She later told me that because my cord was so short, it had torn the placenta away from the uterus wall a little and was bleeding. Because there was quite a lot of blood in the pool she wasn't able to tell whether I was still bleeding, so had asked me to come out. At the time I had no idea at all that there was anything to be concerned about, such was her calm attitude. And actually, there wasn't. Rob told me later that when the baby was fully born she did a swallow dive out of me, shouting 'waaaaaaaa'. She stopped crying pretty quickly and was very calm, though.
As I sat by the side of the pool, holding my new daughter, Anja wrapped me in a towel and I can remember feeling surprisingly with it. It was a while before my placenta came, but again, no stress, no hurry, no worry. I had a couple of quite strong contractions and it slipped out of me in the most soothing and satisfying way. During my first birth I'd been given an injection to speed up the expulsion of the placenta and the cord had been pulled on too hard and broken away, so I'd had to have a manual removal of the placenta, which was pretty distressing. This time it was treated with respect and care and allowed its own time, rather than just being an afterbirth (afterthought?). When it arrived Anja laid it out gently to check that it had come out intact with all the membranes. In a most loving way she showed me what bits went where and how it worked. Treating it with great delicacy. It was very healing to be able to take my time with this stage.
Louise brought Willow down to meet her new sister. She seemed a bit weirded out, and keen to get back upstairs, but it was lovely to see her. The baby was weighed. 9 lb 2! Anja gave me some more honey, some arnica and cleaned me up. Rob made us scrambled eggs on toast (which I virtually inhaled) and a bottle of champagne was opened. Anja took me to the shower and helped me clean myself and get into my pyjamas, and me, Rob, Willow and the baby all got into bed at about 11ish, where I nursed both of my daughters. Anja cleared up the birth room and came up to make sure we were ok and to arrange the next day's visit. She eventually left at about 12.30.
The next day we got up and I felt almost insane with joy and vitality! Even though Anja expressly told me not to I went to the kitchen where I sat with my family and cried the most joyful tears of my life. I can honestly say I have never experienced any happiness like it. Altogether it has been an amazing, healing, growing, wonderful experience. I healed so quickly I was amazed (I only had superficial skin tears anyway). In fact so quickly I had to keep myself in check. I and my family have adjusted to our new family life so much more easily than I was expecting and feel that we shared something really special. I feel like I have been allowed the space and time to heal some old, deep psychological wounds and approach multiple motherhood with positivity and energy. Most importantly I feel like the intimacy of the shared homebirth experience that Rob and I went through has given us a completely new depth to our relationship and made it possible for us to express trust and intimacy more freely than we used to. Its given us a better grounding than we previously had and for that I'm truly grateful.
The aftercare we received was as comprehensive and caring as all of the other care we received from Anja. She was as friendly and kind to any friends and family that happened to be around as to us and sometimes it still feels a bit like there's someone missing, now that its over. We're going to have to have another one!
We called our new baby Jasmine and she is a happy little thing. She eats well. She sleeps well. She loves water. She adores her sister. Willow has taken to Jasmine really well. Initially unsure, she has grown to love Jasmine and is very gentle and sweet with her. I often find her giving Jasmine a kiss or chatting to her or showing her a toy. She has grown up a lot in the short time since and seems to really understand that she is not being usurped. She hardly wants nursing and has potty trained! Robin is a superdad and now a superfiance, and Lou is delighted.
Having a homebirth has bonded us as a family and has made our home feel like a special place. We are all very proud of ourselves and grateful to Anja.
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